Midwife is the recording project of Madeline Johnston. In 2016, Rhinoceropolis, a DIY performance space in Denver was forced to close amidst concerns about the safety of these venues after the Ghost Ship fire in Oakland. It was a big blow to the arts community and especially to the artists that resided there, including Madeleine. Another one of those artists was Colin Ward, a close friend of hers, who would pass away in 2018.
In an interview, Johnston explained that she wanted to write a letter to Colin, also saying
“I had never lost a close friend or really anyone before; I was navigating a lot of new emotional landscapes and trying to work through them. I was simultaneously writing and recording the album last year, I didn’t know what was going to happen when it was done. In a way it chronicles some of the different aspects of my grief and its omnipresent nature”
“Language” was the first song she wrote for Forever. Within a soundscape of ambient guitar, she captures the struggle to express thoughts and emotions experienced after the loss of someone you care about, asking “how I say it, in every language” repeatedly. There’s a million things you want to say in a million ways. Things we’re not able to tell someone before they leave and how we want to present their memory in an honourable way. In this way, her inability to find the words is what says the most, with an additional blow delivered by heavy piano chords.
The opener, “2018”, expresses the disbelief and initial shock of hearing of his passing. Alongside a walking keyboard melody and droning guitar, she comes to accept the reality of loss before turning to anger, growling in a whisper at 2018 to leave her alone. The sentiment is echoed by the rumbling guitar that comes in and it’s an immediate tone-setter for the album’s ride through sorrow.
On “Anyone Can Play Guitar”, Johnston lists off some things that anyone can do: falling in love, playing a guitar, telling a lie, and saying goodbye. In some ways, this represents the DIY ethos embodied by artists like her and Ward, and how it can be used to express oneself in times of hurting. It reads as if it is Ward speaking these words to Johnston. He won’t be coming back, she can’t run from this forever, and picking up the guitar and writing an album could be a step towards healing and coming to terms with his departure.
We do get to hear Colin’s real voice on “C. R. F. W.” in which he recites a beautiful piece of spoken word poetry, covering themes of imagination, nature, collaboration, love, and then finally death. When looked at alongside his work in music, film and other mediums, it seems almost autobiographical in ways. The poem ends with the following verse:
If you ask the leaf on the tree in autumn if it is scared to fall off the branch, it will say "I have given all I am to this tree and I am tired and I'll float on down now." Imagine the way a breeze feels against your leaf's body while you finally don't have to hold on anymore.
Many Denver artists have spoken on the impact Colin had in their community, a tree that he had very much given his all to. At the end of the poem, a droning synth and gentle guitar evoking a wide open space capture what feels like an instrumental depiction of the leaf’s fall.
This sets the stage for the final blow of S. W. I. M, which opens up with huge thick guitar chords before of distorted vocal comes in. Madeline confronts the challenge of living with grief, likening it to treading water and try to keep your head above the surface. About the song, Johnston said “Although losing someone never gets easier, and the pain never goes away, you’re not alone in it.” She’s not the only arist who has paid tribute to Ward’s life. Travis Egedy, a former resident of Rhinoceropolis who records as Pictureplane, included footage of performances by Ward in the music video for “Color Spectrum (Tokyo Drift)” and earlier this month, the Noumenal Loom record label released a compilation of Ward’s music with proceeds being donated to the CRFW fund which provides artist grants in his name.
While having a community to share the grieving process with can help lighten the load, self expression is still one of the most powerful tools and often a very necessary part of the process. Johnson expresses her grief in a devastatingly beautiful way on this album and I can only hope that it gave her the therapeutic release she needed it from it.
Listen to Forever below and purchase the album here.